I Wish I Was..... ... Living In A Democracy

To Celebrate finally(#1) getting my grubby little mitts on the new Guns N’ Roses album - Chinese democracy.

Today I’ve mostly been…….

…Axel W Rose

And have spent the day singing in a nasally whine and starting feuds

The morning started on a massive high ..

..Until some twat decided the original cover of Appetite was obscene and I started a Fued

The morning went well. Feuding with my band mates kept me amused untill I discovered Vince Neil had borrowed my make-up(#2) and I started a Feud
Then Spent the remainder of morning trying to find Nirvana until Curt Cobain called me a woosey girl(#3) and I started a Feud

Dinner Time was a massive feast of albums, Illusions I & II with Spaghetti for Pudding

The afternoon saw me raking in money but far to lazy to do anything remotely productive.. Except Started another Feud..

Then … yet another Feud

Followed by
Feud
And Another
Finally, I decided to announce Chinese democracy followed by…
Feud
Feud
Feud
ER… Feud
Claim…. Honestly I nearly finished it… did you just call me a liar... - Feud
Feud
Feud
I got it hear somewhere.. Bugger can’t find it - Feud
Feud

And finally…Sleep

Oh… found IT!

#1) only waited 17years!!
#2) It wasn't mine.. errr... was looking after it for someone else!?

#3) I dont wear skirts ner-ne-nerr- ERR... Bugger!!

I Wish I Was...... ... Judge Dredd

Today I’ve mostly been...


...... Judge Dredd



But as its Saturday. I’m not metering out punishment on the bleak leafy streets of mega-city-middle-England

Instead I’m having a bit of a tidy around the house(#1) ….

So today I’ve mostly been blessed in the chin department, looking stern and wearing a pinnie



The morning started badly..

My traditional garb of justice was somewhat spoiled by the flowery apron, and the lack of crimes happening in SSB Castle made it somewhat boring?

So, at dinnertime I decided to extend the justice system to include minor household crimes. This would quickly be followed by a trip to the Cursed Earth of my garden, to bring law and order to the overgrown!

The afternoon saw the NEW laws quickly implemented

• Loitering dust was banished
• Rubbish got a custodial sentence in Abin
• The dogs’ squatters got executed
• Bathroom Scum felt the wrath of the Lawgivers Demestos shot
  Before..
• Riding the Hoovermaster, I pacified the carpets

Ding! Dong!! Went the doorbell of a new offence… disturbing a Judge while vacuuming?!

Cautiously I answered it..

Standing there was Chief Justice Landlord. Who, having seen the state of my garden, had come to revoke my authority if I didn’t curb the unruly grass…

WHAT!

How dare he talk to me about Turf?! Doesn’t he know…..


I AM THE LAWN!

#1) Walter the Wobot is on strike

MKII

Due to the failure of the original Scubamonica™ and our total inability to give up just because a product is RUBBISH!

Blatantly Stupid Ideas unveil the new and improved Scubamonica™ MKII(#1)

Our testers found that the Scubamonica™s tinkly harmonica music successfully stopped divers from being mischievous. BUT, they soon got bored and went back to fish poking and reef damaging.

Something was obviously missing?

We caught & observed a bunch of Goths. These observations revealed two things..
1: Your Common (or Garden) Goth is a self-hating manic-depressive who likes nothing more than hurting himself…
2: Except (MAYBE) for…. watching his fellow black-clad pasty-faced Goth friends… Get hurt!!

This gave us at SSB an Idea!

The addition of a spring mounted blade that flails about. Slicing chunks of off the wearer, would add that ever-important: Element of Danger with a side order of Pain!

Further testing

We took captured Goths to the zoo..
Group A was left to there own devices and were quickly found to resort to petty vandalism followed by long bouts of self-harm
Group B was taken to the lion enclosure and one was pushed in. The remaining were found to miraculously cheer up. They would point and laugh. Watching intently as one of their number ran around screaming. Before, eventually being savagely mauled. They would even smile(#2) one even bought a brightly coloured T-shirt(#3)

Encouraged by these results... WE BRING YOU ….

The Scubamonica™ MKII with Wound-O-Matic™

NOW….

Your diving buddies can hold back. Enjoying the mesmerizing music while you get cut into handy bite-sized fish bait(#4)! This will attract nice brightly coloured fishies and eventually nice big sleek not-so-brightly coloured sharks!

Your buddies: get to enjoy the spectacle(#5) from a semi-safe distance. You: get to see sharks doing what they do best from a not-so-safe distance.

Fun for all!

Deluxe version comes with shark-cam(#6)..

#1) MKII has all the same issues.. Well… it would! It is the same!.. It’s the ones we couldn't sell before. But we sprayed it a different colour(#7) and stuck a big NEW IMPROVED label on it
#2) A phenomenon rarely observed
#3) Never before seen behaviour
#4) Exciting Bonus Feature: slight bleeding to death
#5) Everyone knows there’s nothing more fun than watching someone else gets hurt!
#6) A shark mounted camera - so your buddies can relive your surprised look or post it on Utube

#7) Water soluble paint may have been a mistake though

Welcome Raven ouch! OUCH!! I'm Doing IT!!!!

SSB Enterprises welcomes a new staff member..

Due to lack of sales and a total lack of interest in SSB’ and Blatantly Stupid’ products
SSB has set up the Aggressive Marketing & Unusual Punishment Department

Their aim: to gain potential customers and drum up interest

We had only one applicant, but…

According to her Curriculum Vitae, Raven excelled in her previous position in the Buy Now Or PAYne Later Department and was quickly promoted to the Squeezing Tender Bits Till You Submit Department.

And after we became aware of a letter from the C.E.O. At HELL inc. rejecting her application(1) for the job of Overseer of Torturers and Tormentors for the unusually sadistic albeit remarkably creative use of fluffy pink bunnies to cause agonising pain followed by suffering…. Then more pain.

We at SSB Enterprises decided to snap her up and due to her natural(?) abilities Raven has been employed as head of our newly created Aggressive Marketing and Unusual Punishment Department..

….. Please can I have Mr Fluffywuffie back now?

#1) They deemed it too cruel even for them*

* Mr Beelzebub reportedly then quit his position and took up flower arranging… claiming truly all the devils are up there… we are wasting our time… I’d never have thought of THAT!