Wound-O-Matic

After many years of failed products, massive losses due to personal injury claims & the managements total commitment to making all products as cheap and shoddy as possible to maximise profitability…

SSB Enterprises & Blatantly Stupid Ideas Ltd sacked its ridiculously expensive team of blood sucking lawyers, and keeping with its commitment to in-house teams, hired a spotty bespectacled geek with his own copy of Law & Your Rights For Dummies(#1) then set up Stupid Lawyers Inc.

Stupid Lawyers Inc’s first task was to stop the massive influx of compensation claims. And being from the Ronseal ‘It Does What It Says On The Tin’ school of thinking, decided that if all faults were identified and warnings were put on the packaging the claims would stop. The R’n’D department weren’t happy with this and after a particularly nasty bout of name calling, counter name calling and a serious bout of sulking, it was decided to reclassify 'faults'.

In April 2008 SSB Enterprises & Blatantly Stupid Ideas Ltd successfully renamed ‘faults’ as ‘features’ and following from Stupid Lawyers Inc’s idea displayed all, prominently on it’s packaging.. Highlighting & Labelling them as 'exciting bonus features(#2)'

Early success with the newly repackaged Rodenticide Flavoured Crisps (exciting bonus feature: possible bloating/exploding death), highlighted the fact that these bonus features were being given away for free and lead to SSB insisting all products where possible now came with a guaranteed injury or death feature..

This feature has come to be known as the Wound-O-Matic™ system and many products(#3) now contain it & are sold at massively inflated prices

#1) Pop up edition
#2) To cover unknown faults.. All packaging contains a discrete “WARNING: Product may contain mystery bonus features”
#3) Often called deluxe edition… just so the price can be bumped up even further