I Wish I Was..... ... Living In A Democracy

To Celebrate finally(#1) getting my grubby little mitts on the new Guns N’ Roses album - Chinese democracy.

Today I’ve mostly been…….

…Axel W Rose

And have spent the day singing in a nasally whine and starting feuds

The morning started on a massive high ..

..Until some twat decided the original cover of Appetite was obscene and I started a Fued

The morning went well. Feuding with my band mates kept me amused untill I discovered Vince Neil had borrowed my make-up(#2) and I started a Feud
Then Spent the remainder of morning trying to find Nirvana until Curt Cobain called me a woosey girl(#3) and I started a Feud

Dinner Time was a massive feast of albums, Illusions I & II with Spaghetti for Pudding

The afternoon saw me raking in money but far to lazy to do anything remotely productive.. Except Started another Feud..

Then … yet another Feud

Followed by
Feud
And Another
Finally, I decided to announce Chinese democracy followed by…
Feud
Feud
Feud
ER… Feud
Claim…. Honestly I nearly finished it… did you just call me a liar... - Feud
Feud
Feud
I got it hear somewhere.. Bugger can’t find it - Feud
Feud

And finally…Sleep

Oh… found IT!

#1) only waited 17years!!
#2) It wasn't mine.. errr... was looking after it for someone else!?

#3) I dont wear skirts ner-ne-nerr- ERR... Bugger!!

I Wish I Was...... ... Judge Dredd

Today I’ve mostly been...


...... Judge Dredd



But as its Saturday. I’m not metering out punishment on the bleak leafy streets of mega-city-middle-England

Instead I’m having a bit of a tidy around the house(#1) ….

So today I’ve mostly been blessed in the chin department, looking stern and wearing a pinnie



The morning started badly..

My traditional garb of justice was somewhat spoiled by the flowery apron, and the lack of crimes happening in SSB Castle made it somewhat boring?

So, at dinnertime I decided to extend the justice system to include minor household crimes. This would quickly be followed by a trip to the Cursed Earth of my garden, to bring law and order to the overgrown!

The afternoon saw the NEW laws quickly implemented

• Loitering dust was banished
• Rubbish got a custodial sentence in Abin
• The dogs’ squatters got executed
• Bathroom Scum felt the wrath of the Lawgivers Demestos shot
  Before..
• Riding the Hoovermaster, I pacified the carpets

Ding! Dong!! Went the doorbell of a new offence… disturbing a Judge while vacuuming?!

Cautiously I answered it..

Standing there was Chief Justice Landlord. Who, having seen the state of my garden, had come to revoke my authority if I didn’t curb the unruly grass…

WHAT!

How dare he talk to me about Turf?! Doesn’t he know…..


I AM THE LAWN!

#1) Walter the Wobot is on strike

MKII

Due to the failure of the original Scubamonica™ and our total inability to give up just because a product is RUBBISH!

Blatantly Stupid Ideas unveil the new and improved Scubamonica™ MKII(#1)

Our testers found that the Scubamonica™s tinkly harmonica music successfully stopped divers from being mischievous. BUT, they soon got bored and went back to fish poking and reef damaging.

Something was obviously missing?

We caught & observed a bunch of Goths. These observations revealed two things..
1: Your Common (or Garden) Goth is a self-hating manic-depressive who likes nothing more than hurting himself…
2: Except (MAYBE) for…. watching his fellow black-clad pasty-faced Goth friends… Get hurt!!

This gave us at SSB an Idea!

The addition of a spring mounted blade that flails about. Slicing chunks of off the wearer, would add that ever-important: Element of Danger with a side order of Pain!

Further testing

We took captured Goths to the zoo..
Group A was left to there own devices and were quickly found to resort to petty vandalism followed by long bouts of self-harm
Group B was taken to the lion enclosure and one was pushed in. The remaining were found to miraculously cheer up. They would point and laugh. Watching intently as one of their number ran around screaming. Before, eventually being savagely mauled. They would even smile(#2) one even bought a brightly coloured T-shirt(#3)

Encouraged by these results... WE BRING YOU ….

The Scubamonica™ MKII with Wound-O-Matic™

NOW….

Your diving buddies can hold back. Enjoying the mesmerizing music while you get cut into handy bite-sized fish bait(#4)! This will attract nice brightly coloured fishies and eventually nice big sleek not-so-brightly coloured sharks!

Your buddies: get to enjoy the spectacle(#5) from a semi-safe distance. You: get to see sharks doing what they do best from a not-so-safe distance.

Fun for all!

Deluxe version comes with shark-cam(#6)..

#1) MKII has all the same issues.. Well… it would! It is the same!.. It’s the ones we couldn't sell before. But we sprayed it a different colour(#7) and stuck a big NEW IMPROVED label on it
#2) A phenomenon rarely observed
#3) Never before seen behaviour
#4) Exciting Bonus Feature: slight bleeding to death
#5) Everyone knows there’s nothing more fun than watching someone else gets hurt!
#6) A shark mounted camera - so your buddies can relive your surprised look or post it on Utube

#7) Water soluble paint may have been a mistake though

Welcome Raven ouch! OUCH!! I'm Doing IT!!!!

SSB Enterprises welcomes a new staff member..

Due to lack of sales and a total lack of interest in SSB’ and Blatantly Stupid’ products
SSB has set up the Aggressive Marketing & Unusual Punishment Department

Their aim: to gain potential customers and drum up interest

We had only one applicant, but…

According to her Curriculum Vitae, Raven excelled in her previous position in the Buy Now Or PAYne Later Department and was quickly promoted to the Squeezing Tender Bits Till You Submit Department.

And after we became aware of a letter from the C.E.O. At HELL inc. rejecting her application(1) for the job of Overseer of Torturers and Tormentors for the unusually sadistic albeit remarkably creative use of fluffy pink bunnies to cause agonising pain followed by suffering…. Then more pain.

We at SSB Enterprises decided to snap her up and due to her natural(?) abilities Raven has been employed as head of our newly created Aggressive Marketing and Unusual Punishment Department..

….. Please can I have Mr Fluffywuffie back now?

#1) They deemed it too cruel even for them*

* Mr Beelzebub reportedly then quit his position and took up flower arranging… claiming truly all the devils are up there… we are wasting our time… I’d never have thought of THAT!

Jazzys ego-trip request

I wish i was.......

....Yoda

Today I’ve mostly been……

Yoda

And have spent the day….

……..Very uncomfortable with Jim Henson’s hand up my arse & looking like Kermit’s ugly, older brothers’ testacles

The day started peacefully enough though

Until some hillbilly, farm boy, hick(#1) shattered it. By crashing, what can only be described as, a flying penis into my swamp!

I spent the rest of the morning watching him. Until, possibly due to pity or (more likely) due to getting annoyed at him and his chirpy blue dustbin cluttering up my swamp, I decided to give this frustrated farm boy what he wanted and get him to leave..

Dinner was amusing, as in the time-honoured tradition of all tribesman(#2), I served him local delicacies that I chose not to eat. He then told me his deviant desire to stick his glowing rod into some rubber gimp-suited stranger?!

Most of the afternoon was wasted teaching farm boy to sit cross-legged, humming(#3). Then I amused myself by getting him to do handstand and play with my rocks, before he attempted to retrieve his phallic ship.. Unsurprisingly… He failed to get it up(#4)

Evening saw my incestuous guest eager to leave. So, with a constipated look(#5) I held out my hand and retrieved his flaccid ship. Luckily, He quickly left and I went back to my imaginary friend.

Jim Henson then removed his arm and boomed the revelation…

"Yoda, I’m not your father(#6)"


NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!


#1) Hhhhhmmmm! Fancies sister, he does!
#2) Tribesman rule no1: always-feed strangers, the most disgusting creatures you can find.. Preferably just the bits no one else will eat
#3) Hhhhhmmmmm Yoga, I thought said! … wellll.. What did you expect! Hhhhmmmm 900 yrs old, I am!
#4) Hhhhhmmmmmmm source of his troubles, impotency is!
#5) Hmmmmmmmmmm hand up your butt, constipated, you’d look!!
#6) I only had a hand in!! hahahaha

Special thanks to Jazzy for his suggestion

I'll Be Bark!

UnashamedlyStolenCopyrighted&PassOffAsMyOwn Products present...

The star of Canine the Barbarian

.......Arnold Schwarzenegger's Dog?

Frozen In Time

This morning I found a ancient chicken wing that bares a remarkable resemblance to Otzi the Iceman preserved in my fridges ice compartment..

Being naturally curious (!?!) I wanted to know if the chicken wing could be defrosted and brought back to life?

My first thought was to extract some DNA and clone the wing.

If all went well. I could clone other frozen produce(#1). Then set up Glaciallic Park!! But thoughts of things going wrong, having to escape from a fierce rampaging pasty and Jeff Goldblum spouting chaos theory at me before smugly saying “I told you so” put me off..

Instead I decided…

If the chicken wing was edible?! It would mean said wing had been perfectly preserved, suspended in a cryogenic state! & I would have discovered a home cryonics process (DIYonics(#2)!)

So….

Like all good mad scientists. I zapped the wing with electricity. Although, unlike Dr Stein’ traditional method of putting it on a slab, connecting it to lightning rods then having to wait months for a good storm(#3). I got Igor to, put it in the microwave and waited for the ping!

One ping later…….

I used the traditional mad scientist test on yourself method….

And.. And… and…

It Tasted …… Exactly like Chicken(#4)!!

Do It Yourself Cryonics is born


#1) I found a fossilised beef pie & some primordial green sludge (believed to have once been mushy peas)
#2) a process that could be used to preserve my body pending the Depatment of Elixirs Aging and Total Health discovering a cure for dying without having to pay someone else.. Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!
#3) no wonder there mad! I’d be bloody furious!!
#4) strangely… any unknown food substance always does.. Scientists examining Otzi. carried out the same experiment: he too tasted of chicken!

The Ego Trip

After a late night working. Then having to get up at some un-godly hour that should only ever be seen by milkmen and insomniacs, my brain feels like it’s wrapped in cotton wool and needs shutting down pending a re-boot(#1)!

The thought of giving my brain the day off appealed greatly and triggered memories of the EGO-TRIP offered by the Rekal company in the classic Arnie movie - Total Recall……

"What is it that is exactly the same about every single vacation you have ever taken?……

……..You! You're the same. No matter where you go, there you are. It's always the same old you. Let me suggest that you take a vacation from yourself. I know it sounds wild. It is the latest thing. We call it the Ego Trip." (Bob McClane)

What a fantastic idea!!!….

For the days my brain hurts or when I’m bored of being me…. I shall be someone(#2) else!!

But WHO?…

Ohhhh!!! I wish I was……..



#1) a good kicking always gets it going again
#2) or something

I wish I was……..

…….Ozzy Osbourne

Today I’ve mostly been…..

Ozzy Osbourne(#1) and have spent the day..

….. speaking in a mumbly slur, & swearing like a sailor with tourettes.

The day started well enough..

Until I was accused of being unreliable then was replaced with a poison dwarf called Ronnie..

A dinner of bat head soup and dove surprise went down well. But as I was wearing my girlfriends dress, I got confused trying to decide which bathroom to use. So, I relieved myself on a nearby historic landmark & found myself arrested, and then thrown out of town..

The afternoon consisted mainly of heavy drinking. Then a bout of chicken(#2) shooting was enjoyed just before I was re-arrested for trying to throttle my girlfriend.

The evening was spent banging my head on TV cameras, stepping in dog poo and swearing. Then I miraculously turned into a National Treasure??

SHARRONN!


#1) Or Sir Ozbert of Birmingham as HE should be known!

#2) Or was it Cats?? can't quite remember?!?

Picture by JOSEPH CULTICE courtesy Of www.ozzy.com

Happy Birthday Me!?

Today Is My Birthday...

And as surprised as I was, I found..

I hadn't gone bald and grey overnight! I neither suddenly need to use a Zimmer frame or miraculously found my trousers reached my nipples!!

.. I still had to survey the damage suffered, (by 40 years of debauchery) in the bathroom mirror..

And let me tell you.. It wasn't a pretty sight first thing..

This got me thinking.....

1. I'm 40!! Eeeek!
2. I'm not immortal
3. S**t 40!
4. I don't wanna get old!!
5. 40!
6. That Dorian bloke, who sold me the portrait I have stashed in my attic.... BLOODY CONNED ME!!
7. Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

& when I stopped hyperventilating.. I made a decision......

I'm not gunna take it! Old is for... Errrrr! Old People!!??

so, I've instructed clever white coated boffins at SSB Enterprises to look into Life Extensions and Elixirs of Youth. I then set up the Department of Elixirs, Age & Total Health who quickly sloped of to consult the Oracles, the fonts of all wisdom that are drunken Irish builders(#1) at the local pub..

Many bevies later and slurring. They promptly (A-Hum) returned & announced the news "O'Malley recons He can do you an extension........."

".....BUT...... He can't start till after new year!(#2)"

Damn!! Research Continues........

#1) They know everything! (well.. so they claim, in very loud obnoxious voices)

#2) No mention of what year was made! although, strangely.. I now have a newly tarmacked drive and cant seam to find the lead roof?!?

Bugger!!

Well....

Another Birthday Looms like a storm on the horizon..

But ...

recieving my first card today made me laugh

the legend " Arther Lemon found he was becoming......

...... even more bitter and twisted" seems somehow very apt!!

I repeat BUGGER!!

Well... It Made me Laugh

UnashamedlyStolenCopyrighted&PassOffAsMyOwn(#1) Products present...

The most popular man in prison

#1) wholly owned subsidiary of SSB Enterprises

the Slightest Hint of Impact Triggered Explosion device

Annoyed by neighbours slamming car doors late at night?

Insurance payout refused as repair costs less than your excess?

Embarrassed by the wife’s inability to parallel park?

Or…

Just, Disappointed that the accident you witnessed, on your way to work, didn’t result in flaming cars blowing up like they do in the movies?

Well…..

Inspired by Hollywood blockbusters. Blatantly Stupid Ideas Ltd introduce a Wound-O-matic™ product the Slightest Hint of Impact Triggered Explosion device

Easily fitted to any vehicle.

Small hair-triggered sensors(#1) are discretely placed in your chosen vehicle. Connected to the large quantity of highly unstable explosives we packed into its fuel tank. The Slightest Hint of Impact Triggered Explosion effectively obliterates any vehicle suffering a slight tap, bump or knock(#2)

• Never again….. Do you need to suffer the shame of tiny dings and scratches!.. Those noisy door-slamming neighbours! Or a boring fender bender!
• Impress your friends: by never having to walk away unharmed
• Fit to invalid carriages: for Hours of fun betting when your epileptic uncle will S.H.I.T.E. himself!
• Exciting Bonus feature: Possible sneeze induced explosions
  

#1) the same ones fitted in car alarms that appear to be triggered by bird flatulence at twenty paces!!
#2) or heavy sneeze, asthma attack, etc.

SSB Needs You!

Whilst SSB does not directly employ any personnel. Blatantly Stupid ideas Ltd or any of the ever-increasing Sub-divisions, Sub-companies & departments are always on the look out for people with unique talents.

If you are a recent incumbent of a rubber room, have a severe personality disorder &/or are just vaguely aware of the big wide world. SSB could use you….

Are you?

• Willing to work for peanuts - preferably just the shells or for nothing
  
• Criminally insane - bordering on psychotic(#1)


• Able to think outside the box - preferably: outside a box on another continent. Ideally: you have no concept of this box thingy other than it might contain a cat(#2) once owned by some fellow named Schrodinger


• The I in Team - able to totally ignore other peoples suggestions. Argue Your right even when your not. Someone for whom the word Team means You and 'aload of other blokes' whose input you will completely ignore or claim You had already thought off & why hadn’t they made Your tea yet?!


• Butterfly minded - unable to think in one direction for 5 sec before being sidetracked by a totally different thought wearing shinier shoes



If this sounds like You and You’re willing to possibly, maybe, occasionally consider turning up(#3) or you might have an idea SSB Enterprises can unashamedly Steal, copyright then pass off as his own. Apply NOW via email (#4)

#1) Training available
#2) Possibly alive, possibly dead…. But, who really cares about cats anyway!!
#3) Even if it’s just to nick the milk out of the fridge because you’ve run out at home
#4) Scrawled crayon on ripped shreds of rubber room wall applications will also be accepted

Wound-O-Matic

After many years of failed products, massive losses due to personal injury claims & the managements total commitment to making all products as cheap and shoddy as possible to maximise profitability…

SSB Enterprises & Blatantly Stupid Ideas Ltd sacked its ridiculously expensive team of blood sucking lawyers, and keeping with its commitment to in-house teams, hired a spotty bespectacled geek with his own copy of Law & Your Rights For Dummies(#1) then set up Stupid Lawyers Inc.

Stupid Lawyers Inc’s first task was to stop the massive influx of compensation claims. And being from the Ronseal ‘It Does What It Says On The Tin’ school of thinking, decided that if all faults were identified and warnings were put on the packaging the claims would stop. The R’n’D department weren’t happy with this and after a particularly nasty bout of name calling, counter name calling and a serious bout of sulking, it was decided to reclassify 'faults'.

In April 2008 SSB Enterprises & Blatantly Stupid Ideas Ltd successfully renamed ‘faults’ as ‘features’ and following from Stupid Lawyers Inc’s idea displayed all, prominently on it’s packaging.. Highlighting & Labelling them as 'exciting bonus features(#2)'

Early success with the newly repackaged Rodenticide Flavoured Crisps (exciting bonus feature: possible bloating/exploding death), highlighted the fact that these bonus features were being given away for free and lead to SSB insisting all products where possible now came with a guaranteed injury or death feature..

This feature has come to be known as the Wound-O-Matic™ system and many products(#3) now contain it & are sold at massively inflated prices

#1) Pop up edition
#2) To cover unknown faults.. All packaging contains a discrete “WARNING: Product may contain mystery bonus features”
#3) Often called deluxe edition… just so the price can be bumped up even further

Scubamonica

The problem

For many years society has puzzled over the knife wielding hoody wearing youths & what to do about these menacing hoodlums wondering our city streets. But little thought has been given to the hoodies of the sea. The rubber wearing underwater miscreant, on his O2 high. The scuba diver!

Scuba divers have been hanging around on reef corners, poking brightly coloured fish & vandalising coral for as many years as teenage tearaways has been stealing old women. But nothing has been done to address this newly invented problem.

Until now…

Research suggests these marauding gangs of divers cover the coral in graffiti and intimidate elderly fish for one reason…like the menacing teenager hanging around outside shops. Happily talking to friends in that innocent way that makes society nervous, it all boils down to…. Boredom

The solution

After hearing the quote 'Music soothes the savage beast(#1)'. Stupid ideas’ Fox (head of R’n’D department) proposed the Scubamonica(TM) …….
“ Its basically a harmonica on a flimsy mount that is attached to the mouth piece on scuba diving gear! As you swim, it will randomly move from side so side and as you breath out, it will play random noise”

Testing

The testing stage involved fitting newly captured thugs with MP3 players. And early observations produced promising result.
The control batches of Thugs were found to be destructive & mischievous at a consistent rate. An unlocked and running car was put within view & as expected was soon found Stripped and burnt out on a nearby council estate!
The MP3 batch were found to be mesmerized by sound and would sit with vacant eyes ignoring external stimuli. The running unlocked car stayed untouched(#2)
These promising results got the Scubamonica(TM) approved and the MK1 was put into production.

Where is it now?

Unfortunately plagued with quality issues (due to company production methods) and doubts on the validity of test result. Sales plummeted and after the totally unsuccessful a great time for you and your diving buddies! Advertising campaign(#3) the MK1 was shelved…..
Pending further development


#1)...A misquote… but don’t tell Fox!
#2) Until a passing gang of wild thugs spotted it… then it is believed to have suffered the same fate. But as it has never been found this is undetermined!?
#3) After this all future advertising was handed over to SSBs Aggressive Marketing And Unusual Punishment Department

Thank You Thor!

Summer 2008 was rubbish!! But as they say….. “Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining”

But what they forget to mention, about said silver lining, is it‘s.. A bolt of lightning…..

That thought in mind, I replaced the tin roof on the garage with something slightly less conductive and turned my mind to finding something to keep me amused through the damp dreary days..

As I couldn’t go for a blast on one of my bikes & had no intention of “doing something constructive around the house”, as the girlfriend put it! I spent many an hour skulking in the newly lightning proofed garage trying to find something to do..

Thoughts of tidying it were quickly dismissed and replaced with thoughts of getting oil under my fingers. But, as my bikes had hardly seen the light of day, neither needed a good service. My duke had spent most of the winter in bits and the blade would probably be far less reliable if I started prodding her around, I decided to put some effort into project streetfighter..
And thanks to the wonderful British weather, project Streetfighter …now re-named project Thunder God (in keeping with this summers bad weather theme & as thanks for not being turned into a pile of smoking ash) is nearly ready for an M.O.T.

WoooooHoooooo!!